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WORLD OF ENTERTAINMENT TV AND CINEMA THIS YEAR

By Maximillien de Lafayette Continues on Next Page

PART ONE: Part 1

1-A GLANCE AT THE MOVIES OF THE YEAR                                                 2-THE FULL LENGTH ANIMATED        3-MOVIE REVIVAL OF DYING GENRES 4-FILM TOP 10 AND TURKEY OF THE YEAR                                                 5-COMEDY OF THE YEAR                   6-THE MOST TALKED TV FILM PROGRAMS                                       7-COMEDY TOP 10  AND TURKEY OF THE YEAR                                          8-TELEVISION FILMS OF THE YEAR  9-DOCUMENTARIES BEAT DRAMA IN THE RATING                                    10-TV Top 10  MOVIE SHOWS          11-Favorite Winners and Turkeys of the Year. What Peers and Critics Think?                                             12-REVIEWS OF MAJOR RELEASES OF THE YEAR                                   13-BETWEEN FICTION, NONFICTION AND POLITICS                                 14-THE WORST AND GROSSEST FILMS OF THE YEAR                        15-SECOND RATE MOVIES OF THE YEAR                                                16-FILMS OF SUBSTANCE OF THE YEAR

PART TWO: Part 2

1-THE BOX OFFICE TOP FILMS         2-BOX OFFICE TOP RECORDS

PART THREE Part 3

1-CINEMA HEADLINERS OF THE YEARSpider-Man 2 - definetly not made in Britain

PART FOUR : CANNES FILM FESTIVAL Part 4

1-WORLD'S MAJOR FILM FESTIVALS 2-Feature Films In Competition         3-Feature Films Out of Competition  4-Short Films                                     5-Caméra d'Or                                   6-Un Certain Regard                         7-Cinéfondati                                    8-The Winners                                   9-Top prize reflects clash of French vs. foreign sensibilities                    10-HIERARCHY AMONG RED-CARPET GUESTS                                                                                                                                                                                                                         11-IN GENERAL, FILMS WITH COMIC ELEMENTS DO NOT WIN PRIZES                                                                                                                         12-THE GLAMOUR AND STARS OF CANNES                                                                                                                                                                   13- CANNES JURY                                                                                                                                                                                                          14-CANNES HEADACHES AND CONTROVERSIES                                                                                                                                                           15-POLITICS AT CANNES FESTIVAL                                                                                                                                                                              16-MADE IN BRITAIN FOR CANNES

 

PART FIVE  Part 5

1-GOLDEN GLOBES                          2-RETURN OF THE KING WINS BEST PICTURE                                          3-MURRAY DRYLY MOCKS HOLLYWOOD AWARD SPEECHES    4-MERYL STREEP AND AL PACINO GET BEST TV MOVIE LEAD PERFORMERS HONORS

PART SIX: THE GOLDEN GLOBES & THE OSCARS Part 6

1-MICHAEL DOUGLAS RECEIVES THE HONORARY CECIL B. DeVille AWARD                                             2-Stars Play it Safe With Blooming Spring Colors                                   3-Mystic River, Cold Mountain, Lost In Translation among top nominees                                                                                                                         4-FIVE NOMINATIONS WENT TO MYSTIC RIVER                                                                                                                                                              5-THE BARBARIAN INVASIONS LOST TO AFGHANISTAN'S FILM "OSAMA"                                                                                                                      6-LORENZO SORIA, PRESIDENT OF THE HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION: "CANADIANS AND AUSTRALIANS CONTRIBUTED GREATLY TO FILM AND TELEVISION"                                                                                                                                                                                              7-GOSSIPS, SURPRISES AND DRAMA                                                                                                                                                                             8-"IT COULD BE A MONTY PYTHON SKETCH"                                                                                                                                                                  9-THE NOMINATIONS, NOMINEES AND EXPECTATIONS                                                                                                                                                 10-THE NOMINEES LIST                                                                                                                                                                                                 11-NOMINATED FILMS                                                                                                                                                                                                    12-FULL LIST OF WINNERS 12-THE HOTTEST GOSSIPS AT THE OSCARS                                                                                                                      13-OSCAR FOLKS GO HUSH-HUSH ABOUT GIFT BAGS

PART SEVEN  Part 7

1-SAGS 2-THERON AND DEPP TAKE THE SCREEN ACTOR GUILD AWARDS 3-TIM ROBBINS WON SUPPORTING ACTOR AWARD 4-ZELLWEGER WON THE LEAD ACTRESS AWARD 5-GUILD'S TV AWARDS 6-INSIDE THE SAGS

PART EIGHT  Part 8

1-TELEVISION: EMMY AWARD                                                                                                                                                                                         2-Ellen DeGeneres captures the Daytime Emmy for talk show                                                                                                                                        3-BRADY: BEST TALK SHOW HOST

PART NINE: BRITAIN'S SOAP OPERA AWARDS Part 9

PART TEN: CONTROVERSIAL ISSUES AND HEATED DEBATES  OF THE YEAR Part 10

PART ELEVEN: THE MOTION PICTURES GRAPEVINE Part 11

PART TWELVE: BOX OFFICE TOP EARNINGS Part 12

PART THIRTEEN: HOT TALKS OF THE YEAR Part 13

PART FOURTEEN

1-THE INDIVIDUAL WORKS 2-Roman Polanski: Film's dark prince  Part 14

3-GODDARD: THE SUBLIME KINETIC EXPERIENCE  Part 14

PART FIFTEEN: THE HOLLYWOOD FILE: THE MEGA DOLLAR WOMEN. THE MOST EXPENSIVE STARS IN HOLLYWOOD Part 15

 

 

 

REVIEWS AND RATING

PART ONE: A GLANCE AT THE MOVIES OF THE YEAR

NOT A GOOD YEAR FOR ESTABLISHED  FILM DIRECTORS. This was not a good year for established directors. Steven Spielberg's comedy Catch Me If You Can was lightweight and forgettable. Martin Scorsese's Gangs of New York was intermittently impressive but did not live up to the immense expectations it created. James Ivory's The Divorce was a tired exercise. Brian De Palma's erotic thriller Femme Fatale was enjoyable in a mindless way but suffered the fate of going straight to video. Ang Lee's Hulk, Alan Parker's Life of David Gale and Lawrence Kasdan's Dreamcatcher bordered on the disastrous. The sad thing about the British cinema was the absence of movies by Mike Leigh, Ken Loach and Christopher Nolan in what was a pretty dire year with endless mirthless comedies and dull thrillers. Stephen Fry's debut, Bright Young Things, a version of Evelyn Waugh's Vile Bodies, attracted a lot of attention but generally misfired. Thaddeus O'Sullivan's The Heart of Me, an adaptation of another novel about the Thirties, Rosamond Lehmann's The Echoing Grove, was better, but went largely unnoticed. The biggest British box-office success, Richard Curtis's Love, Actually, was a shamelessly calculating affair, slightly redeemed by the performances of Bill Nighy and Emma Thompson. Calendar Girls was liked by some, and The Mother was admired largely for the courageous performance of the 68-year-old Anne Reid as a widow having an affair with a much younger man. The two real triumphs of the British cinema were both harsh, unsentimental docu-dramas set abroad: In This World, Michael Winterbottom's account of two Afghan teenagers making an illegal journey to Britain from a Pakistan refugee camp, and Kevin Macdonald's mountaineering movie Touching the Void. What we lacked were Blair-era equivalents of Thatcher Britain pictures of the Eighties and early Nineties, pictures like The Ploughman's Lunch and Raining Stones. The nearest thing to this, and the year's sharpest, most imaginative film about politics and social change, was Goodbye Lenin!, Wolfgang Becker's satire on German unification. As always, there were too many unnecessary remakes, the worst being Jonathan Demme's The Truth About Charlie, a disastrous reworking of Charade, with Mark Wahlberg trying to walk in Cary Grant's old shoes. There will be worse to come next year with Demme remaking The Manchurian Candidate (that's like Rolf Harris repainting the Sistine Chapel), the Coen brothers's Americanisation of The Ladykillers and Tom Hanks planning a new version of Kurosawa's Ikuru . Fortunately there were useful re-releases that should deter remakers, most prominently The Leopard, Sunset Boulevard, Alien and Nicholas Ray's Bigger Than Life. On a more positive note, some new directors emerged and several young ones confirmed their promise. Spike Jonze surpassed himself with Adaptation. Lilya 4-Ever, the third film of the Swedish director Lukas Moodysson, was a fine work marred by sentimentality. Dylan Kidd made a striking debut with the American independent production Roger Dodger, as did the Brazilian director Fernando Meirelles with his devastating look at gang warfare in the slums of Rio, City of God. After an unimpressive low-budget debut with the curious road movie The Last Great Wilderness, the Scottish moviemaker David Mackenzie made a quantum leap with his second film, Young Adam , a sombre adaptation of Alexander Trocchi's bleak Clydeside thriller, in which the ubiquitous Ewan McGregor gives his best performance to date. Charlotte Rampling (The Swimming Pool), Cate Blanchett (Veronica Guerin) and Max von Sydow (Intacto) gave decisive performances in minor movies. Julianne Moore (Far From Heaven) and Jack Nicholson (About Schmidt) were cardinal elements of first-rate movies. In two minor movies - White Oleander and Matchstick Men - Alison Lohman emerged as one the most gifted young American actresses of recent years. Two movie trends of the past year are intriguingly complementary or contradictory. One is a fascination with confidence tricksters - the subject of a cluster of films including Spielberg's Catch Me If You Can, Ridley Scott's Matchstick Men, James Foley's Confidence and Ji Yang's Chinese noir thriller Blind Shaft, where two homicidal con men shake down corrupt coal-mining officials. The world is being manipulated by crafty exploiters. Seemingly contrasted with this is our trust in facts. Increasingly, documentaries, carefully edited from hours of film, are finding sizeable cinema audiences. This year we've had the marvelous French film about a rural teacher and his one-room class, Être et avoir; the hilarious autobiography of the self-destructive movie tycoon Robert Evans, The Kid Stays in the Picture; and a revealing look at the American high school spelling bee, Spellbound

THE FULL LENGTH ANIMATED MOVIE

Far surpassing the popularity of the documentary has been the success of another genre. Its significance has been recognised recently by the introduction of an Oscar for best full-length animated movie. Among a field of cartoon corn there have been three tremendous movies - Finding Nemo by John Lassiter's Pixel team in California, the quirky French animator Sylvain Chomet's Belleville Rendezvous and the Japanese master Hayao Miyazake's Spirited Away. This has been a poor year for world cinema. The best Iranian picture, Crimson Gold, has been banned in its native country, as has the best Chinese movie, Blind Shaft. Except for the steady trickle of subtitled pictures on BBC4, television - most culpably BBC2, Channel 4 and FilmFour - has neglected its cultural duties to foreign films. Yet it has been an ambitious time, although the aspirations have not always been realised. After several years' absence, Quentin Tarantino gave us a coldly immaculate fusion of Western and Eastern styles in Kill Bill: Volume One, first part of a cinematic diptych on which the jury will return its verdict in February. Arriving, complete, from France, was an arthouse product trailing praise that was not entirely justified: Lucas Belvaux's Trilogy, about a fugitive terrorist disrupting Grenoble, went downhill from a strong start. Two other trilogies, each multi-million dollar productions, were completed this autumn with simultaneous premieres around the world. The Wachowski brothers's Matrix trilogy began sensationally but took a nosedive as intellectual pretensions and special effects took over. All the Matrix films have in common with Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy is the presence of the Australian actor Hugo Weaving. Jackson's version of Tolkien's three novels is a triumphant work, an extraordinarily confident undertaking that grew from film to film. Though Hollywood-financed, and drawing in artists from Europe and the US, the movie is an astonishing achievement for New Zealand, which also produced another, rather more modest, inspirational mythic film in Whale Rider  

REVIVAL OF DYING GENRES

Good news was also to be found in the revival of dying genres. Pirates of the Caribbean is the best Jolly Roger swashbuckler since The Crimson Pirate 50 years ago. Even better is Peter Weir's outstanding Master and Commander: The Other Side of the World, which brings to the screen one of Patrick O'Brian's novels of naval life during the Napoleonic Wars. It arrived late in the year alongside Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King and Anthony Minghella's Cold Mountain, true epics all, to excite us by their combination of spectacle and intelligence. They reminded us why we leave home to experience movies on the big screen with wonderfully rich sound and images that tower over us visually yet involve us intimately in their urgent action.

FILM TOP 10 AND TURKEY OF THE YEAR

#1 Adaptation Spike Jonze. #2 Blind Shaft Li Yang. #3 Cold Mountain Anthony Minghella. #4 Crimson Gold Jafar Panahi. #5  Far From Heaven Todd Haynes. #6 Goodbye Lenin! Wolfgang Becker. #7 Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Peter Jackson. #8 Master and Commander Peter Weir. #9 Mystic River Clint Eastwood. #10 Touching the Void Kevin Macdonald. Turkey of the year: Gigli Martin Brest.

COMEDY OF THE YEAR

Anyone watching the celebration of predictable and undemanding light entertainment that formed the bulk of the British Comedy Awards could run away with the mistaken belief that the best Britain has to offer is Ant and Dec and reruns of Phoenix Nights and The Office. But away from the mainstream, this year has brought plenty of original and inventive comedy, both from established acts and new faces, much of it on the live circuit, but even the terrestrial channels, not often celebrated for their willingness to take risks with new comedy, have come up with some impressive new work.   BBC2, which has been cautious about the new, has begun to gamble again and this year brought three excellent shows. Live Floor Show, hosted by genial and fast-talking Irish comic Dara O'Briain, provided the first TV showcase for stand-up comedy since the glory days of Friday Night Live and throughout the series featured some of the strongest acts on the live circuit, among them Al Murray, Men in Coats, Dan Antopolski, Rich Hall and Adam Hills. But British TV still lacks a show worthy to stand next to New York's Saturday Night Live. In a different vein, Look Around You was a brilliant offbeat spoof of Seventies educational programming, written and performed by Robert Popper and Peter Serafinowicz, and was nominated for both a Bafta and a British Comedy Award; fans will be delighted to hear that a second series has been commissioned. 

THE MOST TALKED TV FILM PROGRAMS

But the most talked-about TV programs (with the exception of The Office Christmas Special) was Little Britain, a sketch show by Matt Lucas and David Walliams which owes a massive debt to The League of Gentlemen and had been the first real triumph for the much-ridiculed BBC3 before it transferred to BBC2 last month. The biggest live event was Eddie Izzard's stadium tour, which arrived here last month after four months in the US and Australia. Izzard is one of the most gifted British stand-ups at work now and it would be unfortunate if his burgeoning film career lured him away from the stage too often. Dylan Moran, Dave Gorman, Al Murray and Ross Noble all went on successful tours; Noble also enjoyed a West End run, as did Bill Bailey, Lenny Henry and Stewart Lee and Richard Thomas's award-winning musical comedy, Jerry Springer: The Opera. The Edinburgh Fringe brought surprises. Last year's Perrier winner, Daniel Kitson, one of the most impressive young stand-ups of recent years, flummoxed his growing fan-base by taking a show that was not stand-up, but a part-serious monologue about love, and which fiercely divided audiences and critics. The Perrier shortlist caused a great deal of huffing by including only one British act, Howard Read (American Demetri Martin won). Again, no women were short listed, but they are getting closer; Lucy Porter, Natalie Haynes, Jo Caulfield, Sarah Kendall might reasonably expect to make next year's shortlist. For obvious reasons, 2003 was a big year for political comedy, but paradoxically the surfeit of potential material only reinforced the truth that political satire is best left to those who specialize in it and can lift it above the usual fish-in-barrel gags about Bush - comics such as Mark Steel, Mark Thomas, Jeremy Hardy and, when he stops talking about himself for long enough, Michael Moore.  Have I Got News For You remains the only comic current affairs programs worth watching, carried entirely by the magnificent double act of Paul Merton and Ian Hislop, and seems to have a new lease of life without the smoothly quipping Angus Deayton, though the novelty of the guest politician presenter is wearing thin; they should get on with appointing the new host from a shortlist of Alexander Armstrong, Dara O'Briain and Jimmy Carr. The last is a far smarter comedian than his not-very-cerebral game shows Your Face or Mine and Distraction on Channel 4 allow him to demonstrate.

COMEDY TOP 10  AND TURKEY OF THE YEAR

#1 Eddie Izzard Sexie, UK tour and DVD. #2 Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventure Edinburgh, UK tour. #3 Look Around You BBC2 & DVD. #4 The Sunday Format R4. #5 Bill Bailey Part Troll, Edinburgh and West End. #6 Johnny Vegas Who's Ready for Ice Cream? DVD. #7 Demetri Martin If I, Edinburgh and Soho Theatre. #8 Jimmy Carr's Charm Offensive Edinburgh, London. #9 Dylan Moran Monster, UK tour, #10 Little Britain BBC3 and BBC2. Turkey of the year: Monty Python's Flying Circus in French, Edinburgh. 
 

TELEVISION FILMS OF THE YEAR

America The Beautiful…America The Bountiful!!

"State of Play" was fabulous and Prime Suspect a winner, but the US gave us laughter, tears, sex, war - and Saddam .
As of this writing (as they say in the US) some Extra Special Forces have just captured Saddam. God Bless America and Iraq and Britain because It's A Wonderful Life and No Mistake. Let's crack open the eggnog and sit back with a smuggy sort of 'WMD? What WMD?' smile just in time for Christmas. Or not.   Funny, but all I could think about when I watched footage of the dictator's lice-inspection was that the Americans had apparently sent 600 soldiers to stake out Saddam's hideaway at the same time as they'd forgotten to send a single camcorder, even though they'd remembered to take one along for Jessica Lynch. Where's the footage, guys? What's the big secret? One day, my son may ask me: 'What did you do in the war against terror, mummy?' In which case, I shall say, in a curiously deep voice with an American accent: 'Son, I mostly sat on the sofa and sneered.' Months ago, I observed that if one of the year's big TV moments hadn't been turned into a New York Times bestseller by Thanksgiving at the latest, then I'd eat my combats. No need to, happily, for the suspiciously heart-warming liberation of blonde 19-year-old Jessica Lynch from the Saddam Hussein hospital in Nassariya has now been both best-sellered and mini-seriesed, though sadly I was wrong about the casting of Reese . It was tough for ordinary telly to compete with a proper war embedding itself, uninvited, into our schedules for four dark weeks. When it came to TV drama, the prospect of following the Scud Studs with a bunch of mincing minuetters in doublet and hose seemed, well, entirely inappropriate. There was, I feel sure, other stuff on telly during the war, but I can't remember any of it. Startlingly soon, however, we found it in ourselves, shallow animals that we are, to become interested in things like serial killers in Coronation Street and the rumour that Dirty Den might just be coming home to Albert Square as a lean, tanned corpse. And then, suddenly, we were in the mood for a proper drama, like the fabulous State of Play, the first of Bill 'God' Nighy's three hits of the year, alongside Love, Actually and (though he may not consider it his greatest dramatic stretch) a very funny turn on Grumpy Old Men. But though we could stomach dramas about murder and politics and even journalism (if the hacks were Nighy and John Simm, that is), we were not in the mood at all for 40, which saw national treasure Eddie Izzard become the undeserving victim of Contemporary Dramatitis, symptoms of which include loathsome, two-dimensional, navel-gazing characters, an awesomely pointless plot and witless non sequiturs masquerading as dialogue. Izzard was not alone, either: a good cast, including Hugo Speer, Kerry Fox, Joanne Whalley, Nimmy March, Vincent Regan and Mark Benton (it's been a very busy year for Benton) were forced to make a mid-life drama out of a crisis, which, when it wasn't busy being portentous and pretentious, was just plain unpleasant. Luckily, when it all got too much, the Boohbahs arrived to plump up the daytime schedules: five fat, furry atoms with bulbous tummies, blinking eyes and retractable heads, which sleep nestled in a modernist organic chandelier and at bedtime are whirled away across the world to the rainbow's end - perfect escapism for toddlers of all ages. And then, if you still weren't in the mood for being challenged, there was always the ad for the Honda Accord, which was a small masterpiece. Trash TV never looked trashier than it did in 2003 and even though Big Brother couldn't decide whether to be Big Bore or Big Brothel, it still failed to capture the hearts and minds of the nation. But for top-quality 'ohmigod' watercooler trash, you needed to look no further than almost any edition of Wife Swap, which gripped us guiltily in its vice. Mind you, much as I love a bit of rubbish, I found C4's How Clean Is Your House?, one of the big summer ratings hits, despicably exploitative.

DOCUMENTARIES BEAT DRAMA IN THE RATING

The one-off miracle that was Martin Bashir's Living With Michael Jackson aside, a good documentary will rarely beat a so-so drama in the ratings, though, given the choice, I'd take a documentary any day. Channel 4's strand Cutting Edge can still cut it (the film Bad Behavior was terrifyingly sad but still managed to leave you feeling as though your heart had been pumped full of helium). Meanwhile, in current affairs, the excellent Fighting the War came perhaps a little too hot on the heels of the real thing to engage viewers, but was a brilliant instant rewrite of the first draft of history, while Panorama celebrated turning 50 with a bruising, brutal look at the outcome of 'friendly fire' that came too close to John Simpson for comfort. Other dramas of note included Russell T. Davies's The Second Coming, a fine piece about an ordinary Mancunian Messiah called Steve (Christopher Eccleston) who worked in a video shop and didn't have much luck with the ladies until he claimed to be the Son of God, which came, as it were, not a moment too soon. But for every State of Play, Second Coming, The Deal (Stephen Frears's exemplary slice of dramatic faction with a couple of extraordinary performances from Michael Sheen as Blair and David Morrissey as Brown), Second Generation (a delicious Anglo-Asian tale of romance, betrayal, death and passion featuring the most beautiful cast of the year) or Prime Suspect (perhaps the most completely satisfying of 2003, period), there is, unfortunately, always something that bills itself as 'powerful', 'disturbing' or 'harrowing' and which, invariably, is simply shorthand for another lousy bloody drama about child abuse (this year's was called Real Men). Or something chilly and forgettable in which Amanda Burton does her Amanda Burton thing, or something laughably butch in which Ross Kemp does his Ross Kemp thing, or yet another Cold Feet rip-off, which, inevitably, makes life feel infinitely shorter than it should. But even worse than these is a pointlessly glossy piece like Cambridge Spies, in which male students wear pullovers without holes and the bluestockings have perfect Marcel waves and the art directors are all so terribly chuffed with themselves. On the other hand, a drama such as This Little Life, about the impact on his parents of the birth of a premature baby, was every single thing Real Men aspired to be but failed.

Harrowing without being in any way exploitative, mawkish, gratuitously miserablist or plain tasteless, it was perceptive, life-enhancing and unforgettable. But for the best all-round easy-going entertainment, week in, week out, where did we turn? Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Will and Grace, Sex and the City, Friends, Scrubs, Malcolm in the Middle, The Simpsons - name your tune. For these, if not for Dubya, God Bless America.

TV Top 10  MOVIE SHOWS

#1 Prime Suspect ITV1. #2  State of Play BBC1. #3  The Deal C4. #4 The Second Coming ITV1. #5 Second Generation C4. #6 This Little Life BBC2. #7 Wife Swap C4. #8 Canterbury Tales BBC1. #9 Honda Accord ad. #10 Curb Your Enthusiasm BBC4

Favorite Winners and Turkeys of the Year. What Peers and Critics Think?

What were the triumphs and the turkeys of the arts world this year? Those on the scene pick their favorites and reveal their hates. Kathy Burke (Actress):  Electric Six, Big Brovaz, The Darkness and Beyoncé put everyone else in the shade but Electric Six's videos, which made even my dirty old jaw drop, get the vote for outright cheekiness. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon put a massive smile on my face. My absolute highlight of the year is The Pillowman by Martin McDonagh at the National. I've seen it twice and plan on going again. A brilliant, spooky play that made me laugh, cry and jump out of my skin. Turkey: this year's Big Brother lost me as a fan. Russell T. Davies (TV writer): Great year for television drama, with State of Play and Prime Suspect. My own cultural revolution came about with Sky Plus, I bloody love it. Turkey: television news just gets thicker and thicker. On all channels, the war brought out a simple, jingoistic reportage. And by the end of the year, we've got ITN reporters telling us that to be with Ian Huntley is to be 'in the presence of evil'. Vital, complicated issues are being reduced to limericks for idiots. We should all be ashamed. Anne Reid (Actress): Scenes from the Big Picture by Owen McCafferty is a play about a day in the lives of 21 people living in Belfast - clearly drawn, rich characters, they're made even more interesting because we are never told what their religious or political affiliations are. It was brilliantly directed at the National Theatre by the great Peter Gill. A Play Without Words, also at the National, knocked me out of my socks. The choreography is stunning. A kaleidoscope of intricate shapes and patterns. It's dramatic with wonderful flashes of comedy. But the pinnacle was at the Festival Theatre, Chichester, where Desmond Olivier Dingle was reading his The Complete History of the Entire World and Shakespeare: The Truth. I laughed until I was in real pain. Turkey: I would like to stuff all those pseudo-eavesdropping actuality programs on TV and put them in a very hot oven. Estelle Morris (Minister for the Arts): It's been a great year for Turner enthusiasts like myself, with shows in all three of the cities closest to my heart: Manchester, Birmingham and London. Turner: The Late Seascapes at the Manchester Art Gallery was wonderful. These are pictures to drink in - as powerful from a distance as they are close to. Some of the work has never been on show in this country, and it is a real privilege to see them at last, and in such impressive surroundings. Equally, Tate Britain's Turner and Venice was tremendous. The Hours is my film of the year. It is a jewel, beautifully structured and powerfully acted. The English National Ballet's Rite of Spring at Sadler's Wells was another triumph. I found the intensity and power of the dancers quite hypnotic, and a stunning complement to Stravinsky's music.  Aaron Barshak (Comic): I thoroughly enjoyed the Titian exhibition (National Gallery). When you look at the vibrant blues and reds, you can see what the Hollywood studios aimed for with Technicolor. In Titian's Allegory of Time Governed by Prudence, it's as if Martin Scorsese has commissioned Titian to do the posters for Casino. At the Edinburgh Festival, nothing so impressed me and made me bellylaugh constantly as Reginald D. Hunter's White Woman show. It taught me that everybody has an idée fixe about other groups of people and that even the most liberal of us can be racist and sexist. The most amazing art show I saw was when I attended Her Majesty's Prison Bullingdon. Charles Saatchi needs to buy the place; a triumph in Brit Art minimalism. I have never seen so many unmade beds under one roof. Turkey: the worst show I attended this year, was indeed my own Edinburgh premiere. Things got better as the run went on, but, according to age-old laws of chivalry, I, a commoner, who had touched a royal personage, had to die, and I did... frequently. Peter Conrad (Author, critic): The two performances I won't ever forget came from divas who respectively specialise in agony and ecstasy: Vanessa Redgrave strung out on morphine in the Broadway production of O'Neill's Long Day's Journey into Night, and the soprano Karita Mattila exposing both soul and body in her glorious, dangerous account of Strauss's Salome at the Paris Opera. The most eye-opening exhibition was Saved! at the Hayward Gallery, sampling the treasures added to our patrimony with some help from the National Art Collections Fund. Nicholas Hytner (Director, National Theatre): Two astonishingly inventive shows did things that were genuinely new to me: Simon McBurney's The Elephant Vanishes at the Barbican and Shunt's Dance Bear Dance under a railway arch in Bethnal Green. I was overwhelmed by a Royal Ballet revival of Kenneth MacMillan's Song of the Earth. Fernando Meirelles's City of God confirmed that South America is now home to the world's most exciting filmmakers. Turkey: I've directed too many turkeys of my own to want to point the finger at anyone else. John Simm (Actor): Glastonbury Festival was incredible this year. We arrived to torrential rain, the sun came out for Echo and the Bunnymen, and from then on, it was three days of joy. Radiohead were stunning, as were Primal Scream, but the highlight for me was The Coral. It was a great year for music, old and new. Missy Elliott, Dizzee Rascal and Blur all pushed things forward, while The Go-Betweens, The Coral, Outkast and The White Stripes all released truly special albums. City of God was the best film I saw this year, it had all the energy and passion of Scorsese's finest work. I also enjoyed Être et avoir and Kill Bill Volume One. On TV I loved David Morrissey as Gordon Brown in The Deal and Chris Eccleston in Flesh and Blood. Stephen Woolley (Film producer): The production of The Pillowman at the Cottesloe; Martin McDonagh's play was astounding. The documentary Être et avoir was wonderful. I also loved the book The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon. Turkey: The insufferably boring David Blaine in his glass box. David Lan (Director, Young Vic): The best theatre I saw was Luc Bondy's production of Anatol in Vienna. An exhilaratingly deep reading of it. Merce Cunningham in the midst of Tate Modern's Weather was the most astonishing event, while Peter Sellars's staging of an Artaud monologue at the same address was the most soporific. Manu Chao were played constantly driving into work and Michael Connelly's series of Harry Bosch crime novels proved effective at making the world go away. Colin Murray (Radio One DJ): The Darkness. I reckon that covers music, performance, art, comedy and genius. When we first started playing 'Get Your Hands Off My Woman' on Radio 1, the response was shock and awe. Thumbs up, rock on. Turkey: Elton John being cool again. Stewart Lee (Writer-director, Jerry Springer - The Opera): The best thing I saw this year was the Czech violinist, singer, composer and improviser Iva Bittova solo at St Luke's, Old Street. She came out, stalked the aisles, stared us out, screeched, scraped and soared in a performance that made me laugh, cry, tremble and then clap my hands off. Turkey: The worst thing I saw was the Daredevil movie. There are plastic Daredevil action figures with more charisma than Ben Affleck.

Alexei Sayle (Comedian and novelist): My cultural highlight was the anti-war demo. As the son of communists, my teenage years gave me an aversion to going on demonstrations. There's nothing a young man wants more than to be seen by all the cool kids walking down the road with a load of old loonies shouting about peace. Yet I have attended every anti-war demo this year and felt enthusiasm and hope. Turkey: The fake one Bush pretended to serve to the troops on Thanksgiving Day on his 11-minute visit to Iraq. Nothing symbolizes the fraudulent, manipulative way the invasion was promoted more than that rubber bird. Tim Firth (Writer, Calendar Girls and the musical Our House): The Liverpool Philharmonic Children's Concert season for their unpatronising irreverence - particularly the bloke who played 'The Flight Of The Bumble Bee' dressed as the Grim Reaper. The year would have been much duller without Cobblestone Runway by Ron Sexsmith, who looks 15, sounds 50 and writes heartbreaking melodies with unfashionably optimistic lyrics. Watching Gypsy on Broadway was an object lesson in musical book-writing. The movie highlight was the Loach-esque street-child assassination scene in Meirelles's City of God. Turkey: Martin Bashir. Beware the documentary maker who starts to use the word 'I' too much. Tony Clark (Artistic director, Hampstead Theatre): Two new plays have stayed with me: Darwin in Malibu - Crispin Whittell's witty comedy, and Roy Williams's Fallout. Taking the children to Olafur Eliasson's installation at Tate Modern was joyful and serene. Turkey: Perhaps people could stop marking artistic enterprise with stars in 2004?

REVIEWS OF MAJOR RELEASES OF THE YEAR

DAY AFTER TOMORROW: BIG, LOUD WITH A MESSAGE TO CONSIDER. Rating: 4 stars

The world hangs in the balance when global warming brings on catastrophic floods, hurricanes and earthquakes, leading perilously to the next Ice Age. A lone scientist (Dennis Quaid) tries to reverse the weather patterns while rescuing his son (Jake Gyllenhaal) from New York City where the weather will soon destroy the city. The Day After Tomorrow is a big, loud, summer action movie masquerading as a cautionary tale with social and political relevance. The film's cataclysm of climatologically chaos turns the northern hemisphere into tundra more frozen than Lambeau Field. Yet it also manages to bring people -- the right people, namely the film's stars -- and enlighten them at the right moments. High school students Sam (Jake Gyllenhaal) and Laura (Emmy Rossum) fall in love while trying to avoid freezing to death in the New York Public Library (though we know they can't possibly die, because they're too good-looking).Sam's estranged parents, Professor Jack Hall (Dennis Quaid) and Dr. Lucy Hall (Sela Ward), seem likely to reconcile, thanks to the pouring rain and driving snow. A homeless man (Glenn Plummer), with his trusty border collie in tow, teaches a rich kid from Manhattan's Upper East Side (Austin Nichols) how to keep warm using paper. And most important of all, the vice president of the United States, who just happens to resemble Dick Cheney, realizes only in the aftermath of mass destruction that, maybe he should have listened to warnings about the dangers of global warming. The familiar-looking, 50-ish president, meanwhile, doesn't say much as the situation worsens and leaves the big decisions to everyone else.(This, surprisingly, from a film being distributed by 20th Century Fox, which is owned by the Fox News Channel's conservative parent company -- your fair and balanced source for disastertainment.) Director and co-writer Roland Emmerich, who blew up the White House in Independence Day, seems to want it all here. He wants to preach environmentalism, yet pummel his audience with dizzying sight and sound. He wants to put his characters in peril, yet have them utter something witty as they're about to die. One guy who crashes through the glass ceiling of a mall jokes that he just thought he'd drop in for a little shopping. (Groan.) Yet for all its spectacular visual effects -- including tidal waves that flood Manhattan and freezing temperatures that cause British military helicopters to plummet from the sky -- the movie's most thrilling, terrifying event is one of the simplest: turbulence in an airplane as Sam and some classmates fly from Washington to New York. That's the most realistic force to fear, and the only one likely to make you feel truly anxious. Tornadoes that spin through downtown Los Angeles are actually a joke, simply because they have such remarkably good aim. They take out landmarks like the Hollywood sign and the Capitol Records building, along with a TV reporter who's breathlessly trying to tell the world what's happening around him. (Though how the twisters made it through traffic on the freeways is a mystery.) Conversely, watching New Yorkers scurry for their lives remains unsettling -- even though it's been nearly three years since Sept. 11, and even though the source of terror this time is a computer-generated storm. In the midst of all this is Sam, waiting for his father to rescue him as promised. If that means walking through blizzard conditions from Philadelphia to New York, Jack Hall will do it -- even though he's the only scientist in world who predicted all this deadly weather, and is usually the smartest guy in the room. "When this storm is over, we'll be in a new ice age," he warns several serious-faced government officials before embarking on his journey. By then, the box office will already have been heating up, and that's all that really seems to matter.

CINEMA: FILM REVIEW

Day after tomorrow - fact or fiction? This summer's Hollywood blockbuster movie - The Day after tomorrow - shows the Earth in the grip of a new ice age caused by climate change (also known as global warming). But do we really need to worry? We help you sort out the science from the science fiction. Although the depiction of the science is exaggerated and at times misleading the scale of the threat and the underlying politics are all too true.

Is climate change happening? Yes. Over the last century temperatures rose by 0.6oC. 2003 saw a number of highly unusual weather events including: Droughts in Southern Africa , Forest fires in Siberia, Flooding in South America .The idea that climate change is harmless and will just mean nicer weather is dangerously wrong. What else? Temperatures are predicted to rise by between 1.4 and 5.8oC during this century. This might not seem very much but... A warming of just 2 to 3oC would put: 3 billion people at risk of water shortages, 300 million extra exposed to malaria, 100 million more at risk from coastal flooding. Could it happen overnight? The climate could change dramatically over 10-20 years. It would be extremely difficult for us and the natural world to adjust. The film uses one possible scenario for abrupt climate change - changes to Atlantic Ocean currents creating a cooling effect on Northern Europe. But it's very difficult to say how likely this scenario is as there simply isn't enough data. Can we stop climate change? Only if we all - Governments, organizations and individuals - take real action to combat it. Some, like the current US administration, still need a wake up call. Others are rising to the challenge.

BETWEEN FICTION, NONFICTION AND POLITICS

The world's going to hell in a hand basket. Tornadoes in Los Angeles. The ice age in Manhattan. Earthquakes, tidal waves, unbelievable gridlock. The cause of all this consternation, Dennis Quaid's professor character in the film tells us, is global warming. The movie was said to be inspired by the cataclysmic tome The Coming Global Superstorm. Murdoch presumably is hoping the special effects, if not the topic, will fatten the Fox bottom line. Gore definitely is hoping the topic, if not the end-of-the-world imagery, will make audiences think about the environmental bottom line. "I do want to take advantage of the opportunity presented by the movie...to talk about what the real issues are," Gore told reporters in a telephone press conference last week. To that end, Gore has teamed with the activist group, MoveOn.org, to publicize an education campaign on global warming and the greenhouse effect timed to the release of The Day After Tomorrow. MoveOn.org volunteers are being encouraged to buy tickets to the film's Memorial Day opening weekend, and hand out informational flyers to other moviegoers. The flyers, MoveOn.org executive director Peter Schurman told reporters, "will answer questions people will have" after seeing the film. (Make that, questions about global warming. It's unlikely the organization knows what Day After costar Jake Gyllenhaal 's intentions are toward Kirsten Dunst.)  Schurman said Fox has been notified of its plans, and its representatives invited to a May 24 so-called town hall rally in New York City featuring Gore and environmentalist Bobby Kennedy Jr. Fox, for its part, has agreed to screen the film for Gore and a small group of others before the film's gala premiere, also scheduled for May 24 in New York City. Outside of that lone coordinated effort, the two sides will go their own ways. Fox will push Day After as a big-budget summer flick from the director of  Independence Day  (with a nod to the environment through its partnership with Future Forests, a London-based company that shows businesses how to minimize their carbon-dioxide emissions); Gore's camp will push Day After as an important, if exaggerated, cautionary tale. We think it's wonderful for the movie," Fox spokeswoman Florence Grace says of the MoveOn.org campaign. "The issues addressed [make the film] all the more topical, all the more interesting. We think it's great." Certainly mountains of op-ed articles and months of pre-release protest only served to fuel box-office receipts for Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ ($368.9 million and counting through last weekend). No one thinks Gore and MoveOn.org are going to supply a Passion-like bump for Day After, but Mitch Litvak, president of the entertainment marketing firm The L.A. Office, says the free publicity, even in the form of an environmental lecture, can't hurt. "[Among] younger moviegoers there's such a strong interest in seeing the film based on the early advance trailer, adults may not think it's right for them," said Litvak. "What MoveOn does is make it relevant to them." "It's kind of like the Good Housekeeping seal of approval." Fox'll take it, politics be damned. Says Dergarabedian: "Any extra butt you can put in a movie seat is an extra 10 bucks in the pocket of the studio and the theater."

SHREK2: Originality and Delightful Animation Sequences. Rating: Three and a half stars out of four.

Whatever was wrong with Shrek -- and there were more weaknesses than its beloved status would suggest -- has been eradicated or improved upon with Shrek 2, a rare example of a sequel that's better than the original. The computer-generated animation, which dazzled the first time in 2001, looks even better. The backgrounds and landscapes are even more lush and detailed, from the realistic drops of water during a thunderstorm to the contours left in the snow after a horse-drawn carriage has rumbled through. The characters' movements are smoother, not as herky-jerky -- especially those of Princess Fiona (voiced by Cameron Diaz) -- all of which contributes to the sensation of watching something truly filmic, not digitally manufactured. But the most important change of all, and the most fundamental, is in the screenplay. While the Shrek script consisted of little more than a litany of pop culture references, many of which already felt stale, Shrek 2 has a strong story line, with more fully developed characters. The in-jokes that do exist here seem relevant, including a clever little reference to Justin Timberlake, Diaz's real-life beau. A send-up of COPS -- called KNIGHTS, in keeping with the fairy-tale theme -- is a fast-paced, dead-on riot. Other pop culture references -- to movie musicals, Beverly Hills cliches and old Hollywood -- seem classic and more likely to withstand the test of time, unlike those in the first Shrek, which included tired takeoffs on The Matrix and the Macarena. These, of course, are intended to entertain the adults in the audience -- and they'll succeed -- but there's plenty to keep the kids happy, too. Shrek 2, like the first, is bright, light and colorful, with a non-stop energy that's infectious. Several strong supporting characters and actors have been added to the already-solid lineup of returning vocal talent, led by Mike Myers as the lovable ogre, Shrek, Eddie Murphy as his perpetually perky sidekick, Donkey, and Diaz. Picking up right where the original left off, Shrek 2 begins with the newly married ogre couple returning from their honeymoon and receiving an invitation to visit Princess Fiona's parents, King Harold (John Cleese) and Queen Lillian (Julie Andrews), who rule over the kingdom of Far, Far Away. Donkey tags along. Upon first meeting the boorish Shrek, the in-laws don't exactly approve. While the queen eventually tries to be conciliatory, the king and Shrek get into a passive-aggressive shouting match over dinner in which they tear apart all the food on the table (and each other, almost). Meanwhile, Fiona's fairy godmother (voiced decadently by Jennifer Saunders from Absolutely Fabulous) is astonished to learn that the princess has been married. Her son, the self-obsessed, blond-tressed Prince Charming (Rupert Everett), was supposed to have rescued Fiona from the tower and lived happily ever after with her -- but he got there too late. This brings us to the most fantastic addition of all to the Shrek series: Puss-in-Boots, a tabby cat decked out in tiny Zorro duds and voiced by Antonio Banderas, in a nod to his starring role in The Mask of Zorro in 1998. Puss-in-Boots is sent to take out Shrek, which would make way for a fairy-tale ending for Fiona and Prince Charming. Instead, the kitty ends up warming to the big green guy and fighting on his side, even after Shrek has undergone a medieval version of Extreme Makeover, thinking that's what Fiona really wants in a husband. The character alternates with catlike agility between sword-fighting bravado and saucer-eyed vulnerability, and Banderas plays him with a sexual ambiguity that adds a hilariously subversive layer of humor to the film. You could easily imagine him slashing and purring his way to his own movie. The moral of the story -- that love conquers all, despite appearances -- is the same as the first movie. Even that element is conveyed with a lighter touch this time, something that seems unlikely in a film with three directors and about a half-dozen screenwriters.

 

KILL BILL: Vol. 2 less cartoonish: More emotional resonance than first half. Rating: 3stars out of five

If Kill Bill: Vol. 1 was like a roundhouse kick to the head, Kill Bill: Vol. 2 is practically a warm hug. Oh, there's still plenty of violence in the second half of Quentin Tarantino's samurai-kung fu-spaghetti western-blaxploitation megamix. A knock-down, drag-out cat fight in which Uma Thurman and Daryl Hannah destroy a trailer (and each other) with amazonian fury is a prime example. There just isn't the kind of cartoonish blood and gore that saturated the first film, which came out last fall. Vol. 2 ends on a note that could almost be described as heartwarming, with Thurman's character -- a vengeful assassin known as The Bride -- finding happiness in a traditional way. Is Tarantino going soft? Hardly. Vol. 2 is every bit as thrilling as the first, but it also features more of the stylized, rhythmic dialogue that has become the writer-director's trademark through films like Pulp Fiction. This gives the second film an emotional resonance that the first lacked, and it brings the enormity of the whole project into perspective. I'd still like to see both parts shown together in a theatre; cinematographer Robert Richardson shot Kill Bill so breathtakingly and in so many varied styles, it seems that watching the film in its entirety at home on DVD wouldn't do it justice. Tarantino has said he released Vol. 2 several months after Vol. 1 because it would have been too much of a sensory overload for audiences to sit through the whole thing at once. I was among the many critics who decried Miramax's decision to divide the film as "a marketing ploy to get filmgoers to pay twice." I'd be curious now, though, to experience both halves melded together. The cliffhanger ending of Vol. 1 revealed that the baby taken from The Bride while she was in a coma is still alive. In Vol. 2, she sets out to get revenge on the rest of her former comrades in the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad who tried to kill her on her wedding day. There's Budd (Michael Madsen), the sleazy brother of her former lover and boss, Bill. There's the eyepatch-wearing Elle Driver (Hannah), who has become the top killer in The Bride's absence. And, of course, there's Bill himself -- represented only in rich, baritone voiceovers in Vol. 1 but now a main character played by David Carradine. And what a fabulous casting choice Carradine is to play the charming, dangerous Bill; he's one of Tarantino's idols from his television role in Kung Fu, but he also has such gravitas about him, such a look of experience on his weathered face, he's truly magnetic. Despite the twisted nature of the relationship between Bill and The Bride, their scenes together are surprisingly moving. They also buzz with tension because we know from the title alone what she plans to do to him. In flashbacks, we see another of Tarantino's idols, Chinese film veteran Gordon Liu, challenging The Bride as her martial arts instructor. Their scenes together have a campy authenticity, with the camera zooming in quickly on his face to catch the twitch in his white eyebrows as he barks out orders and insults. "Your anger amuses me," he tells The Bride in subtitles. "Do you think you are my match?" But the training also showcases Thurman's intensity and athleticism. Some critics said her character wasn't developed enough in part 1; she is here, and while she's an intimidating spectacle to behold, she also gets to show a softer side. And that's a deadly combination.

TOM RAIDER

Lara Croft is back. The character, played again by Angelina Jolie and based on the Tomb Raider video game,  hits the big screen on July 25 in "Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life." The film begins in a sweeping rush over the water toward Santorini, the volcanic Greek island best known for the Late Bronze Age site Akrotiri with its magnificent frescoes. We don't get to see the frescoes, however, because an earthquake strikes! The quake has shaken loose wonderful things from an ancient seafloor site, and the next day treasure hunters are diving in the area and pulling up bronze statues. When Croft makes her appearance, her crew of looters complains, "Half the world's raiders are here and you make us wait." But she has pinpointed the source of the antiquities--the Luna Temple, built, she says, by Alexander the Great, and swallowed up by the sea in 330 B.C. In reality, scuba diving in Greek waters is highly restricted and anyone lifting up bronzes like this would be arrested in a flash, such actions violating laws dating back to 1932. So the movie would be over in ten minutes, if this were reality. Since it isn't, Lara Croft can simply grab something and say, "It's mine!" A Chinese tomb-raiding gang intervenes, however, stealing from Croft the mysterious glowing orb she was stealing from Greece. The gang is obviously up to no good, but it's interesting to note, later in the film, they take more care with artifacts they're plundering (packing them in crates) than Lara's associates (who are of the stuff-a-big-sack-full-of-loot old school). It turns out the gang is in cahoots with the real bad guy: Jonathan Reiss, Nobel Prize winner, bioweapons designer, and "modern-day Dr. Mengele." Says the disease monger Reiss, "I've branched out--archaeology." He's using the orb to find Pandora Box which Croft warns is "A weapon more powerful than you can imagine." (Well, given anthrax, nuclear bombs, etc., I think I could imagine.) In the myth, of course, Pandora's Box was opened and all the evils it contained, like gout, escaped. The box should be as empty as Al Capone's vault, but this is Hollywood. So that's the basic idea--the movie is one long chase sequence, including motorcycling on the Great Wall, little wonder China refused permission for them to film there. The stand-in for China? Llyn Gwynant, near Beddgelert in Wales, and a computer-generated Great Wall (according to a BBC report, the film industry in Wales had been hard hit by foot-and-mouth disease). Other archaeological window-dressing in the film includes a cave filled with terra-cotta warriors, copied from those in the tomb of China's first emperor, Shihuangdi. Oh, yes, it isn't strictly archaeological, but what looks like Grendel, the monster from Beowulf, and a number of his siblings do make a guest appearance. As in her first movie, Lara Croft employs a number of special archaeological skills and gear, stuff they don't teach you about in fieldschools: use of the bo (staff) in fighting (in case your guns and knives aren't handy), lots of knives (good for stabbing people and prying out medallions from statues), extra-loud motorcycles (for sneaking up on bad guys), piloting space-shuttle-like gliders (to avoid immigration when entering foreign countries), rappelling upside-down and shooting at bad guys (but missing your own toes), more knives (so you can slash your own arm and make yourself into shark-bait to escape bad guys), parachuting from buildings (to escape more bad guys), jet ski stunts (just to show you can do it), rifle and bayonet drills (for sticking it to persistent bad guys), special-edition jeep (for terrorizing flocks of flamingoes and ostriches), etc. The movie is better than the first--which hauled in more than $274 million worldwide and had a $48 million box-office opening weekend, the most ever for a female-driven movie, according to Viacom--so it is sure to be a commercial success. In the pantheon of archaeology-related adventure movies, it recalls the original Indiana Jones movie, "Raiders of the Lost Ark," and uses the tried-and-true formula, replacing the Ark of the Covenant with Pandora's Box, and Nazis with a bioweapons merchant who thinks many of the world's inhabitants are unfit to live. For all its entertainment value, there's nothing here of any redeeming value in terms of archaeology. It's unfortunate; I don't think it has to be that way, even with a character based on a video game. Oh well, maybe they'll do a third movie in which we'll see Lara Croft at a scholarly meeting presenting a paper on long-distance trade and kinship ties in Assyria based on her trace element analysis of metal artifacts (maybe ancient knives?) and newly translated cuneiform tablets.  I can see it now...as a distinguished professor in a tweed jacket and bow tie raises his hand to object to her conclusion, Croft reaches for her cutlery.... Hmmm. Maybe it's better to not worry about archaeology if you go to this movie. Pointing out the archaeological flaws in "Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life" is probably an unnecessary undertaking, but here are a couple of things I spotted in the one viewing of the movie I had. There must be others. Big problems with the Luna Temple. Luna was a Roman moon goddess (actually the Oxford Classical Dictionary says Sabine), so Alexander wouldn't have erected a temple to her. The Greek equivalent would have been Selene. The temple sank in 330 B.C., says Lara, but Alexander didn't get to the Indus River--where the box supposedly was found--until 326, so there's a chronological disjunction there. Also, the box is said to have been responsible for a plague among Alexander's army, but the ancient author Arrian's The Campaigns of Alexander makes no mention of a plague there, the box, or, of course, the Luna Temple.

 

 Moreover, I don't think there's any record of an earthquake in 330 or the following years. There was one in 373 B.C., which produced a tsunami that destroyed the Greek city of Helike, near Corinth, and another earthquake must have been responsible for the tsunami that devastated Tryphon of Apamaea's army as it marched along the Syrian coast near the city of Ptolemais in the second century B.C. But not in 330. Meanwhile, in China, the gang of looters is busily plundering a Buddhist cave filled with terra-cotta warriors. Well, the Buddha lived ca. 563-483 B.C., and the emperor Shihuangdi, whose warriors were copied for the film, ruled from 221 to 210 B.C. But the problem--aside from what such statues would be doing in a Buddhist cave in the first place--is that the religion didn't spread to China until the first century A.D. Ooops! Tomb Raider, a big-budget action movie from Paramount. The first five minutes--an Egyptian setting, lots of gun fire, and a homicidal robot--set the tone and pace for the rest of the film. The plot is simple: An alignment of all nine planets plus a solar eclipse takes place in one week. In that time Lara Croft, played by Angelina Jolie, has to find a missing key, racing a secret society known as the Illuminati to gain possession of it. A disk with ancient-looking engravings (an Egyptian protective eye motif is prominent), the key was forged during the last such alignment 5,000 years ago. The amulet gave power over time to the inhabitants of a lost city, a heavily tattooed people to judge by the one who appears on screen.

Abuse of the key led to the destruction of the city, located in Iceland but looking like a Khmer-Mesoamerican hybrid. To prevent its future misuse, the key was broken in half and hidden. The Illuminati are apparently heirs of the original bad guys from 5,000 years ago, and if they get their paws on the key we're all in big trouble. The movie is based on the Lara Croft character from the Tomb Raider video game by Eidos Interactive. Paramount, which is owned by Viacom, hopes the film will capitalize on the video game's popularity--since its 1996 debut, it has sold more than 21 million units, pulling in over $500 million, and has over 1,000 fan sites on the web. The video game has been featured in Time, Newsweek, Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, and Details magazines. Angelina Jolie appears on the Entertainment Weekly cover coinciding with the film's opening. Lara Croft has yet to appear in academic publications such as the American Journal of Archaeology, Antiquity, and Archäologische Anzeiger. On the other hand, the video game is popular among anthropology and archaeology students and Lara Croft is said to be a favorite at Halloween costume parties on campus.What's the literary and cinematic heritage of the Lara Croft character and Tomb Raider approach to archaeology?

I think you can trace it through the Indiana Jones films and Jewel of the Nile, plus a dose of the Clint Eastwood character "Dirty Harry" with his penchant for using large guns to shoot things, to old smash-and-grab archaeology-adventure writing geared toward adolescent boys, like H. Rider Haggard's King Solomon's Mines. Lara Croft owes a bit to James Bond and to Emma Peel from the old Avengers television series, with maybe a hint of Edgar Rice Burroughs' Tarzan for the British nobility touch, the ape-man actually being Lord Greystoke. Supporting Lara Croft in the film are two stock characters, her butler (see Bunter from the Lord Peter Wimsey mystery novels and Jeeves from P.G. Wodehouse's Bertie Wooster stories) and a bumbling computer-geek inventor (see Q from the James Bond movies and Jerry Lewis in The Nutty Professor). For the film we also have the similarly stock ancient advanced people who fell into evil, bringing down their civilization (see Atlantis). Is there any real archaeology in the film? Most of what's there is backdrop, much of the film being shot at Angkor in Cambodia. (In an AP report, Jolie is quoted as saying, "It's the most amazing place I've ever been to in my life.") The only person identified in the film as an archaeologist, other than Lara Croft, works for an auction house, apparently supplying it with looted artifacts. There is an attempt in the script to give the Lara Croft character some depth, shown in her devotion to her deceased parents, especially her father, but it is swamped by other aspects of the video game's character: "Think James Bond crossed with Indiana Jones...in a Wonderbra" (Entertainment Weekly) and "a high-flying pinup version of Indiana Jones" (JAM! Movies). That's too bad. Not that this is really anything other than an action movie. As you might expect, the film credits are loaded with special effects, visual effects, and stunt people. My favorite on the credit list is Joss Skottowe, Weapons Supervisor. Not somebody you'd find on an archaeological field school. While preparing for her role, Jolie was said to be "on a strict training regimen of gymnastics, bungee jumping, kickboxing, weight training and the use of machine guns," according to an AFP report last September. Should we consider revising the archaeology curriculum on the university level?

THE WORST AND GROSSEST FILMS OF THE YEAR

GIGLI: WORST MOVIE OF THE YEAR, PAR EXCELLENCE! Gigli is so carelessly made and performed that it is much like that can of cranberry sauce. Recently, I heard a great story that is probably untrue. Jennifer Lopez was in Vancouver at a yuppie grocer shopping for ingredients to make her man, Ben Affleck, a turkey dinner. Faced with the difficult decision of which kind of cranberry sauce to buy, chunky or smooth, she inquired of the clerk: "Which is sexier?" Though factually suspect (turkey in July?), it's a delicious image: The private Jennifer Lopez has so internalized the public image of sizzlin' hot J.Lo that even cranberry sauce is forced to play a part in the ongoing rock video now substituting for her actual life. Gigli is so carelessly made and performed that it is much like that can of cranberry sauce: just another prop to further J.Lo's plan for world domination. It is perhaps not their fault (though maybe it is) that with the splitting of David and Liza, Ben and Jen are officially the world's favourite doomed couple. But please, all you fans of her perfume and his pointed baby teeth, don't write to remind me that they're human; I don't believe it. I know a few, and humans are not this robotic or waxy, nor do they wear matching cancerous tans as a sign of togetherness. With every Us magazine cover promoting their superstardom, Lopez and Affleck get farther from their status as "actors." Then again, Gigli has nothing to do with acting. The film is simply a scrapbook for Ben and Jen so they can cherish on DVD the early days of their relationship. It is a trivial keepsake with a trivial plot: Affleck plays Gigli ("Rhymes with 'really,' "), a hood so inept that a watchdog gangster is appointed to make sure he doesn't screw up the task of kidnapping Brian (Justin Bartha), a mentally challenged teenaged boy. The watchdog is Lopez, a lesbian who quotes Sun Tzu, thus indicating depth. At this juncture, as at many throughout the day, J.Lo's ass deserves examination. It is the picture's true star. Lopez is so droolingly shot that director Martin Brest (Scent of a Woman) must have needed tiny windshield wipers to clear the spit from his lens. Granted, it is a remarkable ass: It can do yoga, enter and exit rooms and make pizza (probably). But there is something less joyful about the ass this time round; one might even note a touch of melancholy in its sway.

In the beginning, circa Selena, Jennifer Lopez stepped into public life like a serious person, a woman defiant in the face of conventional beauty standards, proud of her Latino heritage and her butt. Now her ass is just another jar of cranberry sauce greasing the wheels of the J.Lo Machine. In other words, does all that ass serve the plot or flesh out Lopez's character? Nu-uh. We learn nothing about this woman called Ricki except that she has terrible diction -- "brew-uhl," instead of "brut-al." Lopez once played a convincing toughie in Out of Sight, where her ass was a magnificent prop because it was withheld; a mere glimpse sent stronger men than George Clooney a-swooning. But Jennifer is not about withholding; recently, these two publicity sluts let millions of people watch them cooking on Dateline NBC. Suddenly one recalls with fondness how Sean Penn used to lash out at photographers to protect his relationship; at least he and Madonna sold the illusion that there was something to protect, not just something to promote. In Gigli, Affleck is his usual lazy self. As a performer, he's coasted on a minute amount of charisma for so long that it's hard to remember what we liked about him in the first place -- oh yeah, he can play a good doofus (Good Will Hunting). Yet engaged in banal banter about the benefits of vaginas and the deficits of penises, even Affleck looks a little too smart for the part. The un-dynamic duo are on screen virtually every second, not so much talking as delivering monologue after monologue, each as dull and inexorably cute ("Gobble, gobble," is her oral sex come-on; again with the turkey obsession?) as, one imagines, their real-life conversations. If they are this devoid of chemistry in private, I give it 11 months. Every once in a while an actor pops by to reveal the two for the amateurs that they are. In a cameo, Christopher Walken actually understands the oddball pitch to which the script aspires.

 Al Pacino, as a preening godfather, is typically over-expressed, but at least he follows the basic principle that a character must be invested with a personality -- even a new voice, and mannerisms! -- distinct from the one the actor uses on Letterman. All of these complaints -- the flat comedy, the mediocre acting by big stars, another incomprehensible gangster plot -- could be levied against any number of movies; it seems unfair to single out Ben and Jen just because they're popular. But, due to two subplots, Gigli is odious even without their presence. First, the lesbian cure. Affleck already converted one luscious Sappho in Chasing Amy, a much livelier look at fence jumping; Gigli is all the more casually offensive in comparison. It is not actually an ontological truth that all lesbians would cease their gay ways if Ben Affleck came knocking. Gigli is mean to his mother (Lainie Kazan), dresses in tracksuits and lives in a home without books. Who wouldn't renounce their sexual orientation for this prize package, especially when the only other lesbian present -- Ricki's ex -- is a raging, suicidal maniac? Second, the Noble Handicapped Savior subplot. The final line of Seabiscuit rang through my head as soon as twitchy young Brian entered stage left: "Some people think we saved him -- but in a way, he saved us." Such is the destiny of Brian and all young actors who suffer the same unidentified illness that befell Leonardo DiCaprio in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? The kid is ritually humiliated for our amusement -- forced to rap Sir Mix-a-Lot's Baby Got Back -- and exists solely to make J.Lo and Affleck appear selfless, a Herculean task not so different from the audience's. We are all in service to the celebrities we create. We are all cranberry sauce.

"WEDDING" IS THE GROSSEST OF THEM ALL!

The third American Pie movie delivers what